Money Is Couples' Top Stressor — and 41% Made a Big Financial Decision Without Telling Their Partner

The news

On Monday, October 5, CFP Board — the organization that certifies financial planners in the United States — released its report To Have and to Hold: Couples Navigating Money and Commitment. The survey was conducted with Morning Consult from September 2 to 4 among 820 Americans who are married or living with a partner, with a margin of error of plus or minus 3.4 percentage points.

According to the official release, 65% name money as a top relationship stressor — ahead of health (46%), work-life balance (36%), household chores (35%) and intimacy (30%). 46% say money is the most uncomfortable subject to discuss with their partner. And 41% admit they made a major financial decision in the past year without telling their partner — 23% more than once.

Two honest caveats: the survey comes from a professional body for financial planners, which naturally recommends financial planners; and it is a short, 10-question poll, not a peer-reviewed study. Still, the numbers match what I see in couples every week.

What follows is my opinion, as a husband, a father and someone who walks with couples in crisis.

The number that got me wasn’t 65%

Everyone knows money stresses couples. Last week I commented on a study about financial stress and emotional support. Late bills, rising rent, more expensive groceries — that weighs on every home, in the U.S. or in Brazil.

The number that made me stop was the other one: four in ten hid a major decision from their spouse or partner. The same report shows that 78% say they fully disclosed their financial situation before committing. In other words, most couples start out as open books. Somewhere along the way, the door starts to close.

Nobody wakes up one day and decides to lie to their wife. It starts small. A purchase that “isn’t worth discussing.” A loan to help a relative “because she wouldn’t understand.” A risky investment “I’ll fix before she finds out.” Each secret seems small. But what it teaches the heart is huge: there is a part of my life you don’t get to enter.

Financial secrecy is a covenant issue, not a spreadsheet issue

Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). He wasn’t talking about household budgets, but the principle holds at home: the place where you hide your money is usually the place where you hide your heart.

When God founded marriage, He used a radical sentence: “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Right after it comes a detail many people skip: “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). Before sin, there was nothing to hide. After sin, the first thing human beings did was cover up and hide.

That’s why I tell couples: financial secrecy is rarely a math problem. It’s a symptom of hiding. And hiding inside a marriage always charges interest.

The survey has another data point that confirms it: 60% say combining finances is more intimate than moving in together, and 54% say they could not truly love someone whose money habits they distrust. People know, by instinct, that money and trust travel together.

Men, this is about us too

I talk with a lot of men, and I need to be direct. Many of us were raised to think that providing for our family means “handling it” — and that handling it means we don’t owe anyone an explanation. We call that leadership. Often it’s just pride.

Biblical leadership isn’t deciding alone. It’s carrying the weight with transparency. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much” (Luke 16:10). If I hide a $100 purchase from my wife, I’m training my character to hide bigger things.

I know what I’m talking about, because I was once the problem in my own marriage. I won’t go into details, but I learned the painful way that broken trust doesn’t come back with a nice speech. It comes back brick by brick. And every secret, however small, is a brick you pull out of the wall.

And it isn’t only men who hide. Wives also make hidden purchases, keep secret reserves, help family without saying a word. The call is the same for both: “each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25). If that is true in the body of the church, how much more in the one flesh of marriage.

What if the secret already exists?

Maybe you’re reading this and you recognize yourself in the 41%. Maybe there’s a credit card, a debt, a loan or an investment your spouse doesn’t know about. I won’t tell you it will be easy. But I will remind you of a promise: “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

A few practical steps, pastor to couple (this is not financial advice):

• Tell before you’re found out. A voluntary confession hurts less than a discovery. Pick a calm moment, without the kids around, without hurry.
• Own it without excuses. “I hid it, I was wrong, and I want to change” is worth more than ten minutes of explanations.
• Show everything. A half-truth is just a secret in different clothes. Open the statements, the accounts, the numbers.
• Give room for the reaction. Your spouse has the right to be hurt. Don’t demand instant forgiveness.
• Agree on one simple rule. Many couples set an amount above which no one decides alone. The survey shows 72% already consult their partner before a big purchase — you can be one of those couples.
• Get help if you need it. A Christian counselor, a trusted pastor or, when the problem is technical, a reputable financial professional.

Money is not the enemy

I like what CFP Board’s CEO, K. Dane Snowden, said in the release: money is rarely just about money. I agree. Money is where our values, our fears, the wounds from our family of origin and the priorities we didn’t even know we had all show up.

That’s why the solution isn’t just a budgeting app. It’s a heart that learns to trust again — first God, then your spouse. When Christ is at the center of a marriage, the couple stops fighting over who controls the money and starts asking: what does God want to do with what He has placed in our hands?

Four in ten couples chose silence last year. Yours can choose the truth today.

If trust in your home is cracked — over money or anything else — Vanessa Lima and I share honest, Christ-centered help for marriages every week on our YouTube channel and on Instagram at @ocasallegendario. Come walk with us.